"Of Who We Are"
enzosprite@yahoo.com

(J/C,A/U)

Rating: PG-13 for some suggestive situations.

Summary:After Quarra, Janeway reflects and regrets. A Coda to "Workforce" .

DISCLAIMER: All characters herein belong to Paramount.
All deeper, profound emotions belong solely to the author. No infringement intended.

Additional Notes at the end.


"Of Who We are"
By Enzosprite


Kathryn Janeway looked away from the retreating planet with something resembling relief. She mentally waved good riddance to the planet that had introduced so much turmoil in her life and was glad that she would never have the occasion of ever seeing it again.

With years of practice, she handed the bridge over to her first officer and disappeared into the comforts of her ready room.

The doors closed behind her and she relaxed her posture a bit, suddenly feeling drained in the absence of prying eyes and concerned first officers. The latter she had no intention of dealing with for a very long time.

She closed her eyes as she collapsed into the familiar embrace of her office chair. Sitting there gave her the feeling of control she was so hard pressed to relinquish while at the same time giving her the chance to relax her captain's facade.

She desperately needed that at the moment. After being stripped away of her memories down on Quarra, she needed the illusion of control. They'd taken away her very essence and she'd let herself become vulnerable. That had to end now. She couldn't be an effective captain otherwise.

Rising from her chair she ordered the replicator to make her some coffee-- black. She inhaled the familiar scent and sighed in pleasure. She missed this.

Sipping the dark liquid, she sat back down behind her desk and activated and her computer terminal. Despite the crew's absence there was a backlog of reports waiting for her perusal. Already she could see Tuvok's and Seven's reports blinking, indicating their top priority alert. A headache threatened to come on at the prospect of reading through what were sure to be thorough reports.

Deciding to delay the pleasures of work, she skimmed through most of the files, mentally cataloguing which ones to look into first later. A few minutes passed, she closed up her terminal and slumped back into her seat in defeat.

The ability to concentrate was beyond her. Images kept forming in her mind of their time on Quarra. If she had to admit it to herself, she would concede that it was the first time in five years that she'd actually felt free.

Of course that had been a fantasy. They were being held captive on that planet, their minds violated. That feeling of freedom held a price and she wasn't willing to pay it for the sake of fulfilling some pipe dream.

It was only right to leave behind that illusory life and return to Voyager to continue their journey.

But for a brief time she had had everything she'd secretly wanted. She would always cherish it.

She recalled the easy responsibility of going to work everyday, following someone's orders for a change. She
remembered the relaxed nights she'd spent in that bar, drinking away the stresses of the day and enjoying the company of a handsome man who wanted her.

Wanted her so desperately that most nights they never made it past the foyer of her apartment before they tore at each other's clothes and made desperate love against the door.

Afterwards they would slowly begin again, this time walking blindly into her bedroom to pleasure each other for hours on. She would wake up ravenous for him and they would welcome the new day with their physical release...

She blinked away the images and came back to the present; back into her perfectly ordered life where her perfect lover sat stiffly out on the bridge.

For a moment, pain overwhelmed her senses. She closed her eyes from those terrible moments before they beamed back to
Voyager. The knowing look he'd given her when she'd pulled him aside and told him what he already knew.

She didn't know what disturbed her more. His accussing stare or his calm acceptance of things. He knew even before she did that what they'd shared on Quarra had to remain on Quarra, just like things that had occurred on New Earth would forever remain there.

She loved him, there was no disputing that. But because of who they were, because of their circumstances they would never be able to act on their feelings. Quarra had been an aberation that could never be repeated. They had to live with themselves knowing that, remembering what they briefly had, and comforting themselves with those beautiful memories.

Captain Janeway opened her eyes and let out a shuddering breath. There was nothing to do but to forget it and move on with their lives. They had to.

Voyager needed two commanding officers who trusted and worked well together, not two scorned lovers pining for what they couldn't have.

Someday she would look back at her decissions and know that she'd done the right thing. She just hoped that the right thing would somehow be enough, and would provide them with some measure of happiness despite who they were.

END

AUTHOR'S NOTES: Inspired by this comment by Bryan
Fuller: "I would
have liked to see some sort of acknowledgement of the
relationship
between Janeway and Chakotay; what if, instead of the
Jaffen
character, it was Chakotay she was having the romance
with?" -- ST:
The Magazine June 2001 issue